This is a follow up to Saturday’s post “How are you” and records some pondering I’ve been doing since the conversation with my friend. It’s very windy, though I think it’s clear enough, and there’s something I really value about recording these while I’m outside!
Back to my pondering, I’m not proud of what popped up, though I’m also not beating myself up. I hope you’ll find that this is a helpful opportunity for you to have a look at some of the “hidden” stuff that might be going on for you. Please remember that this is not a deep analytical dive, this is a curious look around to mindfully get some more information, and to treat that with kindness.
More lovely birds this morning. Over the weekend I’ve been pondering a bit more on the lunch I had with my friend, and what he said to me, and what was going on that created the circumstances that led him to want to talk to me about my behaviour. And what all three examples had in common was that they’d been organised by somebody else, and I didn’t particularly like the way they’d been organised. They didn’t really work for me. And I went to a place probably like: I’m better than this, I’m better than you, I do this better than you. A sort of judgmental place about the thing I was involved with and judging how I didn’t like it.
And looking inside about that I see it then knocks up against other aspects of my character. I’m not proud of that bit, but it needs to be named, and it knocks up against other aspects of my character that I’m more pleased about, the compassionate side of me, the supportive side of me. Those aspects as a friend, in me, those aspects.
This lot is knocking around inside. And what can happen is that we have all these bits of us, trying to help us, but they don’t always get it right. They get in a muddle. So, I think in this case what comes out is something about I don’t want to be here, I don’t like what you’re doing. And that comes out as grumpy git John. John the grumpy git who doesn’t say anything, he just expresses his dislike by being grumpy and putting on a face and it just comes out sideways. And it’s pretty horrid!
So, what’s good about this whole experience? Well, there’s always a chance to learn something more, and always the chance to do something about it. So in this case I’ve learned something that I probably always knew, but I’ve learned it openly about how I can be when I’m not altogether approving of what’s going on, how I can, how I can be with that, how I can judge that.
That’s why I love this mindfulness stuff so much. The mindfulness stuff gives us this chance to have a little look around inside. Now, it’s not ruminating; if it’s ruminating, catastrophising, then we’ve gone too far. On the other hand, it’s not just a casual “Oh well, okay, that’s what happened”. It’s something in between, which is why I quite like my word pondering from these posts. It’s something in between. So I had a little ponder, and that’s what bubbled up: something about this bit of me that thinks I’m better in some ways.
And okay, I can then name it, I’ve named it. That’s part of this that is so important. I’ve named it. Named this thing. I’ve got it out into the light. And next time I’m at something where I may be aware of a judgment about what’s going on and how I might do it differently, I have a chance to acknowledge that. And then say to myself, well, okay, that’s what it is, but I’m here now. And let’s enjoy what I’ve got, enjoy what’s going on here now and be part of it. So I can acknowledge what’s going on and I can be with it.
And then turn my attention to where I am and be present with whatever it is that’s going on, without being the grumpy old git. So mindfulness gives us that chance to notice what’s going on, and to acknowledge it, maybe name it. And then be kind. Then, I can be kind to myself and say, okay, I can see what’s going on now. Not my best moment, not my finest hour, and I can look at that and do something a bit different now.
So here’s an invitation for you. Is there something about your behaviour that you’ve noticed is not quite as you’d like it to be? Is there something about your behaviour that you judge or maybe other people’s behaviour that you judge? Well take a little while to ponder on it, have a little look around inside, see what bits might be bumping up against each other to be creating a bit of a mess. And then maybe you’ll get some clarity. Maybe you’ll shine a bit of a light on what’s been going on for you down there. Be kind to yourself and see what the learning is. I hope that goes well for you.
